Ask Minerva: Is Gabe a Real Babe?

Question: Is Gabe a real babe?

Answer: It has recently been brought to my attention that some kid is questioning whether Mr. Pellowski's dog, Gabe, is actually a "babe." I can't imagine what sort of unlovable oaf would even be capable of formulating such a question in the first place. You would have to be such a four thousand percent fool and perhaps dumb too, live in a storm drain and eat nothing but old slugs and diapers-flakes in order to cultivate a total nonbrain that would ask silly-billy questions like "Does Delaware exist?" "What sound does a square make?" "How did Wendy Davis pay for law school?" or "Is Gabe [full name Grabraham Cracker] a Babe?"

And I can't believe this question is being brought to the likes of Minerva. It doesn't take a goddess of wisdom to just look at Gabe and his droopy ol eyes, his flopperistic earlongs, his lil icecube snooffer, extra-longy leggums, fuzzy back florff and smoothy tummbumb, his boxy bargehead and hairy butt-antenna and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is absolutely a certified, genuine, Texas-sized BABE.

And anybody who disagrees is invited to stare long and hard into the South end of a North-bound mule.