Ask Minerva: Kid with Laser
- LASA Latin Club
- Sep 15, 2020
- 3 min read
Question: Hey Minerva, what's Mr. P's favorite food?
Answer: Thank you for your question, devoted worshipper! To comprehend this mortal’s favorite food, I, Minerva, must first begin by telling you the tale of my half-nephew, Asclepius. A son of my dear half-brother Apollo, Asclepius was a man of great medical prowess, a disciple of the great Chiron, skilled in surgery and medicine more than any mortal that came before him or since. As a devoted follower of mortal progress, I rewarded him with the blood of Medusa, a potent force that I, the great Minerva, knew that I could use for the betterment of humanity. And that child certainly prospered: thanks to the help of such a doting aunt, he grew in his medical skill, even using my gift to raise the dead back to life.
Of course, this is where the patriarchy just had to intervene. My uncle Pluto, upset at his realm losing subjects due to Asclepius’s virtuosity, appealed to my father for help. Instead of trying to reach a calm solution, in his hyper-masculine rage, my father Jupiter decided that the only option was to eliminate Asclepius altogether. Though sources from your time would indicate that he used lightning, I, Minerva, the wisest of goddesses, know better. Jupiter summoned a giant laser from the sky, instantly vaporizing Asclepius where he stood. The outrage was immense, and my half-brother Apollo and I protested greatly, managing to allow Asclepius to return as a god, where he could help humanity with medicine for the rest of eternity. It is in memory of this tragic event, where a mere mortal, a member of the young vanguard, was smote by the ancient elite in the name of reversing progress, from which you get the mortal Pellowski’s favorite dish: Kid With Laser.
The dish Kid With Laser can be found in the first century CE text De Re Coquinaria (also known as the Apicius, after a Roman gourmet of the time period), through the fifth century Goth Vinidarius, whose excerpts of the text survive to this day. Though some believe Vindiarius’s recipes were not genuine, as they were not found in the ten “official” surviving books, I of course am all knowing and can confirm that despite their use of a quite Vulgar form of Latin, these are the real thing. At first, it may be hard to conceptualize how you could make a dish honoring a youth who was killed by Jupiter’s laser, but luckily, this recipe has found the perfect solution, making use of a young goat (kid) and laser, the extract from a wild, North African fennel which was for a time a massive sensation in the Roman culinary scene. Using a slightly modified version of Joseph Vehling’s translation, the recipe is as follows:
Fill the well-cleaned guts of a kid with pepper, broth, laser, and oil.
Put them back into the body, sew tightly, and cook the kid whole.
When done, put in mortar rue and laurel berries.
Serve the kid with its own drippings or gravy.
A simple, delicious, and nutritious delight! It is through “Kid With Laser” that you mortals can remember the death of young Asclepius, and more importantly, pay tribute to me, the magnificent Minerva, whose great wisdom and gift of Medusa’s blood allowed him to reach his full potential. It is truly a distinguished favorite for a mortal of distinction such as Pellowski.
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Thank you, Minerva!!